Test Lorde for All the Diseases, She Just Swam in the Potomac River

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the US Clean Water Act, which is great news for Lorde, because for some reason she swam in the Potomac River.

Fan footage of her August 29th concert in Washington DC captured the shocking admission. “I was thinking today,” Lorde said, “I was lying in the Potomac River.” At this, the crowd let out a sound like the Jerry Springer audiences make when a paternity test is revealed. “I love to swim in water where I’m playing. It makes me feel like I know you a bit.”

She paused as wild whoops and edgy laughter took over the room. The Potomac has been famously filthy since the dawn of the industrial revolution. Lore has it that President Abraham Lincoln tried to stay out of DC in the summer in order to avoid the Potomac’s stench. President Lyndon Johnson called the river a “national disgrace.” Longtime residents must have been wondering how recently Lorde swam, and whether she would soon be meeting that other Lord.

These days the river is in much better condition than its reputation might suggest, all thanks to the US Clean Water Act. For instance, a March study of the Potomac found that “there’s plenty of days” where “it is safe to swim in this river.” In some places, as often as “85% of the time,” pollution levels are low enough to allow safe swimming. That’s about the same odds you’d have surviving a round of Russian Roulette.

Following that DC stop, Lorde will take a short break before picking up her “Solar Power Tour” in mid-September. She’s got plenty of stops remaining, including festival appearances at Life Is Beautiful, All Things Go, and Primavera Sound LA. Tickets are available here.