Silicon Valley Bank Assures Customers That Everyone Who Lost Their Life Savings Will Receive A Free Ballpoint Pen

SANTA CLARA, CA — Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.

“This is our bad,” said CEO Gregory Becker. “So please be assured, you’ll at least get a free pen out of this.”

“And if you took a pen while visiting your local branch, don’t worry about it. They’re on the house!”

Though Silicon Valley Bank primarily serves businesses, it also held accounts for individuals in technology, healthcare, private equity, and related industries.

“Whoa! A free pen?” said account holder Charles Greene who will soon be losing his home. “This makes everything better!”

A mass e-mail was sent out early Monday, advising account holders how to collect their free pens. According to sources, a majority of the e-mails went directly to spam. It is expected that only large companies with sufficient staff to sift through spam mail will be able to take advantage of the special pen offer.

At publishing time, businesses in receipt of new pens were still unable to sign payroll checks due to the lack of funds.

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