Man With Satchel Must Be Planning Expedition To Rob Cursed Idols From Ancient Mayan Temple
CHICAGO, IL — Witnesses were left to draw their own conclusions when they observed a man walking through downtown carrying a leather satchel over his shoulder. The only plausible explanation, onlookers determined, was that the man must be on his way to start an expedition into the Central American jungle to steal a cursed golden idol from an ancient Mayan temple.
“There’s really no other reason why someone would carry a shoulder bag like that,” one witness, Josh Wears, stated. “He’s clearly venturing into some largely unpopulated area of the world in a perilous search for lost treasure that is imbued with mysterious, supernatural powers. I mean, it’s pretty obvious, right?”
While the man with the satchel — wearing a suit and tie, carrying a Starbucks coffee, and talking on a cell phone — appeared to simply be a businessman on his way to an office, those who saw him knew better. “Yeah, he’s not fooling anyone,” said Jack Roberts, another onlooker. “He’s got his leather jacket and fedora stashed away somewhere. He’s got to be getting ready to board a seaplane on its way to the Yucatán Peninsula. Nobody with a shoulder satchel is just a guy who works at a mortgage lender’s office. That wouldn’t make any sense.”
At publishing time, the man continued to seem perplexed and confused as everyone he passed on the street kept stopping him to wish him well on his quest to recover the Holy Grail or warn him not to open the Ark of the Covenant.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: