In Bid For 5-Star Yelp Reviews, Church Installs USB-C Chargers In Pews

CARROLLTON, TX — A local church announced the launch of a new campaign this week to attain a 5-star rating on Yelp by installing often-requested USB-C charging ports in each pew.

“We had plateaued at 4.7 stars for months, but these charging ports got us unstuck,” said TruthPoint Church’s Online Reviews Pastor Jeff Lee in a Monday video announcement to church staffers. “At this rate, by the grace of God, we’ll hit 5 stars by the end of the year!”

TruthPoint’s senior leadership had grown concerned about the church’s decline in average star rating on Yelp, which has democratized criticism of pizza parlors, adult undergarment shops, and Christ’s Bride, the Church. “I know Jesus said ‘I will build my Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it,’ but, man, these bad Yelp reviews were really hurting our online footprint,” said TruthPoint Senior Pastor Conrad Thompson.

Previous disappointing reviews from young, hip churchgoers pointed the finger squarely at the church’s lack of updated USB ports. “USB micro ports?! What year is this — 2013?!” an old 1-star review asked. “Sorry, I use a smart phone made in this decade. And you call yourselves Christians?!”

At publishing time, the church announced that Phase 2 of their online review campaign would include food and drink orders made from the pews, administered by Hooters-style waitresses.

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