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Chaos Erupts As Twitter Introduces New ‘Top 8 Friends’ Feature

SAN FRANCISCO — Chaos erupted Monday after Twitter went live with a surprise new feature, which CEO Elon Musk called a “late Christmas present for twits everywhere.” The new feature allows users to select a “top 8 friends” to feature prominently in their profile.

What was intended as a fun feature has created unfounded bitterness and hate, resulting in unprecedented drama as users discover they are not as close friends with some people as they thought they were.

Friends were destroyed, relationships were severed, and marriages were brought to their breaking point as Twitter users rushed to see whether or not they made their supposed friends’ top lists.

“What?! How did I not make Staci’s top 8?!” screamed Los Angeles woman Brittney Hanfield as she checked to see if her BFF – well, her former BFF – had put her in the top slot. “Oh, it is so on. She’s out of my top 8, and I’m replacing her with Chloe!”

Twitter CEO Musk says the feature is “doing wonders” for engagement, with millions of users obsessively refreshing their friends’ pages and spending hours arranging their own top 8 to subtly hint who their crushes are, who their good friends are, and who they’ve got beef with.

Musk claims his self-esteem is now through the roof because he’s on everyone’s top friends list by default and cannot be removed.


Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:


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